You Could Not Be More Wrong

For the last month I've been ruminating on my memory and my happiness.

Memory:
Since turning 35, like a switch, my memory is in the crapper.  Names, faces, things that happened two weeks to two years ago...gone.  And not in the "tip of my tongue" sense but as in the "you must have me confused with someone else b/c that NEVER happened" sense.  This has come into significant play at my new job.  It's not a new job (I've been there since December) but it might as well be new for all that I can recall.  I've met all of the 100+ people in the company, but only know the names of the 6 with whom I work.  This is *very* unusual for me.  Worse, I don't have the sense when someone re-introduces themselves that we've met before; it feels like it is the first time.  It's embarrassing and some people take affront, but also it makes me doubt my ability to interact appropriately with clients and I worry it will my senior management, too.

Happiness:
During the two months I was unemployed last year, I was much more patient with people than I am now.  Why was that?  Was it because I wasn't in a rush to get to or from someplace?  If so, what the h*ll am I in a such a rush to get to or from now?  I still had a job (in a sense) when I was unemployed.  What work was more important than finding a new job? Does that suggest that I value my employer's time more than my own? That I feel this sense of urgency to be at work but did not feel that same urgency (or more!) when I "worked" for myself?  Isn't that twisted? Is it?

I've noticed this most when I'm in the car.  Driving around when I was unemployed was so stress-free.  I didn't need to be anywhere, so I left with plenty of time to get to where I was going.  I didn't rush along the way and was more than content to wait my turn.  These days when I go into the office, my course is plotted like an alpine racer, with corners shaved to the nanosecond.  I know exactly when to switch lanes to avoid the slow down as a result of people looking at the odd construction sign at mile marker 35.  I time my acceleration to make all three green lights.  Heaven have mercy on the Newbie at the tolls who isn't familiar with the change in lane patterns!

Recently, I shattered my precious iphone and have been sans mobile device.  No more checking email every hour at work.  No more calls coming in during the commute.  No more checking for what's nearby or how to get there.  It hasn't helped with my memory or my happiness, but has allowed me to recognize that always looking at that thing was keeping me from disconnecting from work.

I read an article about a woman going through a divorce, whose best friend MADE her start every day with an email that listed 5 Things I'm Grateful For.  Even though the woman eventually found her way out of that darkness, she continues to start every morning with this email to her friend.

So, over the last week, I've been trying this device to both connect with and disconnect from the work day.  I've tried it on the commute into work and on the commute home.  There are rules:

- must be said allowed
- can't have been used earlier that week (or as much as my memory can recall!)
- have to be meaningful (no "I'm grateful for pizza")

To do it well, I really have to focus and get creative.  I can't be running the "systems check" in the background:  call Mom, start laundry, cook chicken, read book club book, send tuition check, etc.  It's what I do in the car, now, instead of looking to see who called or emailed, or trying to see if there's a Sears where I'm headed.  Please note: I did these things at a stop, not while moving.  (Stop hyperventilating, My Beloved.)  But it was like even stopping at a stop light was too long to be static.  I needed to be multitasking in that 1:42 seconds.

It works remarkably well.  I use it more coming home than heading in, but that works out for the best.  I've written before about the importance of a happy ending.  With this exercise, every day has a happy ending.

When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to become a good measure.

It's getting to be that time of year for a little reflection and introspection in preparation for 2010. I've been reading a blog that provides a worksheet for conducting an annual review and for goal-setting for the next year so I've been working with that for a while. Most programs involve identifying goals and then breaking the actionables to achieve those goals into quarterly increments. The goals fall into one of several categories: health, spiritual, financial, occupational, educational, relationships, etc. All the self-analysis tools I've used to define my job search include suggestions to periodically evaluating my life to keep on track or reassess directions.

While visiting family out West this past week, I've had a surprising amount of Me Time to be reflective in this way. Most kids, in turns out, do not stay up past 9pm so there's quiet time when babysitting, and driving to and from one sister to another is a 3.5hr commute one-way. I've come up with some concrete financial goals so far; that was easiest. For the others, it's hard to know what is too grandiose and what is too easy. For example, I'd like to set a health goal to run the Philadelphia Distance Run next fall but that may be a physical impossibility. I still consider myself a runner, but I haven't been able to keep it up since Thanksgiving 3yo ago when I popped my iliotibial band. I tried physical therapy two years ago which helped, but then we switched insurance and I stopped going. Maybe, for 2010, I'll make it a health goal to answer the question if I can still be a runner and, if not, to identify what is the next sport. Another health goal will be to lose 5lbs and keep it off, dammit, for all of 2010. Educational is relatively simple: figure out if I'm doing an MPH or MS Communications and take 2 course a quarter to put it to bed.

My occupational goals will require some of the hardest work, I think. During this whole layoff I was focused, alternately, on finding a new job and struggling with the decision to go back to school full-time for a PhD. When discussing a job offer with a friend, she said "That's fine for now, but what about your next career?" It was a lightening bolt moment. I was a scientist for over 12yrs. Now, I'm not. (I haven't identified the title for this current phase of my career, yet.) I made do without a PhD for the first 12 and can most likely get by for another 12. But what about the 12yrs after that? And after that? I don't want to be sitting on a park bench talking about career options with a friend, internally berating myself for not having done X sooner.   So, for 2010, my goal will be to take the necessary steps to figure that out because regret sucks.

How do you prepare for a new year?  Are you one of those people who sees Jan 1 the same way you see every other day of the year?  Or do you, too, see each page of the calendar as an opportunity to reinvent, get it right, make over, revolutionize your life?  Or am I the only product of Madison Avenue?

PAUSE FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION

Alas, this may be the last post of NaBloPoMo.  I am headed to where there is unreliable cell phone and data transmission for four glorious days of sunshine, family, and fishing. Well, that and I'm not coughing up the Benjamins to pay for roaming ;)  I better make this count...

VOMIT

When we vacationed with family this summer, one night we stayed up super late by the bonfire with my BIL and Dinosaur Niece (DN).  DN was way overtired, but too keyed up to fall asleep.  (Why do kids do that?  Babies, even, just *fight* going to bed.  I swear that's what my insomnia has been about.  Why do we do that?)  DN was talking to herself rambling, incessant prattling about dinosaurs - her favorite subject.  There was no diverting or soothing her and no logic to her stream of consciousness.  BIL said she talked all the way back to the house in his arms and all the way up to bed.  The same thing happened to me the night of New Moon: as I drove through the rainy 3:30am hour, I made a verbal purge of every thought in my head.  My passengers must have thought I was having a manic episode.  There was no processing or editing for social graciousness; just pure, smelly mental vomit.  The difference between that and overindulging at a party is that I can recall every inappropriate thing I said.  Thus, reinforcing maxim #2 of Joiedevivre: bad things happen when I'm overtired.