New Year, New Day, Same Love

Wishing you and yours all the best tidings for a happy, healthy 2010!

It's 10:30pm EST and as My Beloved and I retire to the boudoir to watch Arrested Development on my laptop in bed I am overcome with contentment and gratitude.  Year 2009 was guaranteed to end better than it began.  While we looked into the Pit of Bad Times, we certainly never had to endure them. Not even close.  Given all the scrum that's come my way in the last 3-4 years, I can see that that time was just One of Those Things.  Not defining, but informative.  It's so cliche, but I'm better for the experiences.   So it is with a heart full of gratitude and love that I lay my head on the shoulder of the greatest man I've ever known, convinced that each day, each year is happier than I deserve.

Moviefone

At work last week, the PM (that's project manager for all you non-office based dweebs) for my first project at work realized there's a gaping hole in our operation plan.  [Cut to me mentally shouting:  I TOLD YOU THIS WAS COMING!]  As the Woman from Safety rattled off a litany of all the data sets we're missing ("where are the AE reports coming from?  how will we get prescriber info?" etc.), the PM just sat there looking lost and started mumbling under his breath "Why don't you just tell me the movie you're looking for?!" a la Sienfeld's Kramer.  I laughed my fool head off.

UPDATE:  My better self was right.  All that worrying last night (and this morning) came to naught.

It Won't Be the Last Time

Misstep at work today.  I am eating myself from within.  Picture those PAAS tablets dissolving in a cup of vinegar.  That's how I feel.

I stayed late to wrap up some emails.  I checked my Blackberry this evening to see if I got any responses.  I did.  I got schooled by one of our consultants.  And my boss was cc'd on it.  Most people may shrug this off as a teachable moment.  If you know me, however - oh! and I think you do! -I prefer to let anxiety about imagine reprimands dissolve my innards in a wash of acidic self-doubt.

Picture credit

Too Much, Not Enough, and Just Right

Too much food, sweets, and alcohol.
Not enough caroling, napping, or little kids unwrapping.
Just the right amount of traveling, gift-giving, and family time.

Too much rain, tinsel, and cold.
Not enough Scout-cuddling, after Xmas sales shopping, or leftovers.
Just the right amount of hot cocoa, Angel decorations, and clean sheets.

December is Clearly not NaBloMo

My head is awhirl with things to write about, but no cohesive story.  You'll have to settle for some stream of consciousness, then...

1. I just finished listening to Audrey Neffenegger's Her Fearful Symmetry.  She's a buh-RILL-iant writer.  I especially love how she "gets" and can write about the being in love part of love.  She doesn't write (or hasn't yet that I've seen) about the wistful, insecure part of falling in love.  Instead she does a fantastic job of capturing that warm, melting confidence of married love.  How does it differ?  Let me illlustrate:  reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight books makes me want to "get romantic" with my husband. Audrey Neffenegger's writing makes me want to break my back meeting all his other needs: take out the trash, cook a 5-course meal, tuck surprises about the house for him to find when I'm not home.  She inspires me to be more deserving of my husband.
2. I also just finished reading Rocannon's World by Ursula LeGuin, which I stole from my sister when I was visiting.  Jen is an absolutely voracious reader.  She has all these book piles about the house, functional and aesthetic and some a mix of both, and it works.  My attempts at laisse-faire decorating like that wind up looking like I stacked up random books and then forgot to put them away.  Her's look essential to the make-up of the room.  However, for an OCD like me, these piles of books beckon to be rifled through, so...I do.  Ms. LeGuin is one of - if not The All Time - favorite authors for Jen.  She's a groupie, for pete's sake, and attends all her readings. (Who knew Bend was such a hot bed of literary culture?!)  I have to say, however, thus far I've had trouble getting into Ms. LeGuin's novels.  But this sci fi, for some reason, was the perfect story for whatever this time is with me.  (Books are like that, don't you agree?)  I started it while I was out there (trouble sleeping w/o My Beloved) and took it home to finish.  And, now I'm done.
3. I'm currently reading Olive Kitteridge, which I don't recommend to anyone.  It was recommended to me by E (Hi, E!) and won the Pulitzer Prize.  It's great writing, no lie, but the characters are all so hateful!  Gah!  The character development is so great, after only 10 pages I felt I could tell you what Olive or Henry would do in any situation.  *That* is some mad writing skills.  But, unfortunately, what these characters would do is sabotage their own happiness by taking the happiness of everyone else around them.  It is definitely not bed-time reading, at least.  I haven't decided if I will finish it yet.
4. I stopped reading Still Alice (another recommendation from E).  It's about a 50-something cognitive psychologist who comes down with early-onset Alzheimer's.  You know when you have a funny pain or some weird lab result and you search the internet about that pain or result and discover you could be anywhere on the spectrum of disorders from IMMINENT DEATH to HANGNAIL but are convinced you have IMMINENT DEATH?  Yeah, I'm pretty convinced I have early-onset Alzheimer's now.  I haven't gotten lost in a parking garage, yet, but if I keep reading it will be harder to forget about having read it.  The sooner I forget about reading it, the less likely I am to go bat sh*t when I do get lost in a parking garage.  
5. Another book I stole from my sister, which I'll start soon, is City of Glass by Paul Auster.  I know nothing about it, but Paul Auster is a line in a song I like so I borrowed it to provide some context to the lyric.  I didn't know he was an author and wasn't even really certain I had the name right until I saw the book lying atop one of the book piles in their bathroom.  Don't ask me which song (see point #4 above).

What's happening!?

Remember that scene in Poltergeist when the older daughter comes home from her date to see her house being consumed by otherworldly forces and she screams "What's happening?!?"?

Well, it's been nothing like that.

Picture instead the final moments of "Babe, the Movie" when the sunbeam shines upon Babe and the Farmer.  "That'll do, Pig.  That'll do."

It's been more like that.  I'm luhHOVing my new job, the new peeps at the new job, the new environment at the new job. Loving it.  My Beloved has more work than he can shake a stick at.  Scout was just foolin' with the "at Death's door" thing (at least for a little longer) and was biting at the snow as I tried to shovel it this weekend.  Speaking of which, we celebrated a very traditional white Christmas this past weekend with lots and lots of snow, a walk through the neighborhood at night to see all the lights, setting up our own tree, and wrapping ourselves up tight in warm, fluffy blankets while watching "Elf."

Now, I'm enjoying the church-like quiet in the office while everyone elses takes some well-deserved PTO and I get caught up on the 70+ SOPs I need to read before Jan17th.  Ahhh, just me, a humongous cup of chai, and PowerPoint.  I don't need life to get any better than this!

SNOW!

2nd largest snowfall in the history of Philadelphia:

My car at 12:30pm on Saturday.  Add another 8inches and that will be what it looked like by Sunday morning.

2 Good 2 B Tru

Vampire Diaries marathon this week and left over butter cake from our Xmas party (courtesy BFF JLo)?

Clearly, I have been a very, very good girl :)

The Less Said

Sympatico

When I tell a pet-owner that My Beloved and I are going to lose our dog, they tear up.  Guys and gals alike.  It's uncanny.  I don't have to say anything more than that and BOOM! the water wells in his/her eyes.

I wonder what that means?  No one reacts like that when I tell them we lost an aunt to cancer, a friend to suicide, and a grandmother to time last year.

I'm Telling You Now

The end is nigh.  We're just waiting for each other to muster the courage.  I am perpetually on the verge of tears.  How the hell do you decide when the time is right?

Don't call.
Don't ask.
Just hold My Beloved's hand in your heart and hope.

Words Can't Describe

From my trip to the Bahamas and out west...

Clang! Clang!

Now that I'm working again [insert happy dance here], My Beloved is moving forward with the plans to renovate the bathroom.  As I write this, I am serenaded by the dulcet tones of a sledgehammer shattering concrete, echoed by the tink! tink! of plaster falling from the ceiling in the room under the bathroom.  Who knew progress was so musical?

My Beloved's little helper :)

When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to become a good measure.

It's getting to be that time of year for a little reflection and introspection in preparation for 2010. I've been reading a blog that provides a worksheet for conducting an annual review and for goal-setting for the next year so I've been working with that for a while. Most programs involve identifying goals and then breaking the actionables to achieve those goals into quarterly increments. The goals fall into one of several categories: health, spiritual, financial, occupational, educational, relationships, etc. All the self-analysis tools I've used to define my job search include suggestions to periodically evaluating my life to keep on track or reassess directions.

While visiting family out West this past week, I've had a surprising amount of Me Time to be reflective in this way. Most kids, in turns out, do not stay up past 9pm so there's quiet time when babysitting, and driving to and from one sister to another is a 3.5hr commute one-way. I've come up with some concrete financial goals so far; that was easiest. For the others, it's hard to know what is too grandiose and what is too easy. For example, I'd like to set a health goal to run the Philadelphia Distance Run next fall but that may be a physical impossibility. I still consider myself a runner, but I haven't been able to keep it up since Thanksgiving 3yo ago when I popped my iliotibial band. I tried physical therapy two years ago which helped, but then we switched insurance and I stopped going. Maybe, for 2010, I'll make it a health goal to answer the question if I can still be a runner and, if not, to identify what is the next sport. Another health goal will be to lose 5lbs and keep it off, dammit, for all of 2010. Educational is relatively simple: figure out if I'm doing an MPH or MS Communications and take 2 course a quarter to put it to bed.

My occupational goals will require some of the hardest work, I think. During this whole layoff I was focused, alternately, on finding a new job and struggling with the decision to go back to school full-time for a PhD. When discussing a job offer with a friend, she said "That's fine for now, but what about your next career?" It was a lightening bolt moment. I was a scientist for over 12yrs. Now, I'm not. (I haven't identified the title for this current phase of my career, yet.) I made do without a PhD for the first 12 and can most likely get by for another 12. But what about the 12yrs after that? And after that? I don't want to be sitting on a park bench talking about career options with a friend, internally berating myself for not having done X sooner.   So, for 2010, my goal will be to take the necessary steps to figure that out because regret sucks.

How do you prepare for a new year?  Are you one of those people who sees Jan 1 the same way you see every other day of the year?  Or do you, too, see each page of the calendar as an opportunity to reinvent, get it right, make over, revolutionize your life?  Or am I the only product of Madison Avenue?